Lost…A Whirlwind of Emotion

Staring into the dark abyss of my crippled soul, my smoldering fears and quivering sense of insecurity on a heart numbing winters night when I was 18; Heather was obsolete, Heather was crushed and Heather was utterly decimated. Yet even in such harrowing moments of crippling depression; 6 months before my deafening call for help, I found the most minuscule fringes of hope to cling too in the most hidden crevices of my soul, and I never let go.

In despair, blubbering through the pain of destruction and depression, having recently dropped out of uni and feeling at a complete loss for direction, I felt a need, a calling to put what I was feeling into words. Part of me just knew one day, I would have the courage to share my story and let people gain a glimpse of my soul at its darkest, most vulnerable and menacing points insecurity. Words poured onto the page in unison with the cascade of tears streaming down my distraught face. Now, I am not a poet, but in my unapologetically raw display of emotion, it was a poem that took shape on the page and it is that poem which I would like to share with you today.

In honor of this raw show of emotion, I have kept my blog completely raw. Just me, you and the words between us. So here it is…

 Lost...A Whirlwind of Emotion 

Thoughts running
Mind numb
All these feelings, yet no answer to one
Head spinning
Still alert
So here I lay, bound to my sorrows unable to sleep
 
Feeling troubled yet no sense of urgency
Drifting through each day
No sense of purpose
Drifting through each day
No imminent new leaf
Wish I could help myself
But no sense of relief
Urgency is needed to find a new start
But still helpless here I lay, wishing upon a star
 
Drowning in thoughts
Persisting demons in my brain
Creating harrowing confusion
Laying here lost, I wish they could be tamed
 
Worries swallowing me whole
Creating multiple scars
These will heal in time
But for now, the anxiety continues to creep forward
Closer and closer it comes
So here I lay twisting and turning, trying desperately to get to sleep

But the deafening silence gives it a stage
It’s unforgiving face emerging from the shadows
Here it is now breathing down my neck
Possessing me
Controlling me
Consuming me
Hollering in disrespect

 Forcing me into the shadows away from the light
Desperate now here I lay
All that is left is hope and faith to pull me out from the dark
The little I have left is hidden
Protected
Guarded
From those demons who have me scared
But sacrifice it to those ghastly ghouls I daren’t
It will prove useful one day and they will be shown dirt
So here I lay helpless wishing for many things
Above all is to end the hurt
 
All I can hope for are answers
To find a map to this maze
A compass to guide
Put a stop to the dead ends
The drifting
The doubters
A belonging is needed
Ambition will follow
 
So here I lay sending this wish
Hoping to find myself in this deep abyss
That’s if I ever get to sleep
To feel the relief of burden
To break free from the chains that bind me to this sickness
Escape this unsure me and cast a new part
Jump full force into the next chapter
And see all my folk proud at heart
 
Yet troubled still here I lay
With no obvious plan of action
Yearning for that light
That inspiration
The one we are all promised we will find
 
So here I lay at night
Waiting for the drifting to stop
And see my dreams ignite

I would just really like to take this opportunity to hit home that is what all you need to do is simple. Never give up and you will be ok. I was. I am Heather, who are you?

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